Nov 29, 2015

permission to need

I have fallen deeply into the proverbial Red Tent this month.

Communing with the cycles, with wise women in my life, with a necessary kind of solitude amidst so much togetherness as the energy has been really intense. I've needed to curl into myself and escape more than usual. There have been many times in my life that I have wished for an actual sacred place to go and release, during that week where sometimes I can almost hardly stand to be with myself. I've thought more than once that it would be easier for everyone in close proximity if I could just disappear during the time of the waxing moon, and return on the other side renewed and right-minded.

What's been playing through my head lately is, "manage and be responsible for your energy", as a quiet plea to my own inner alchemist. My magic is my vibration, and I've been admittedly all over the map lately. It feels like trying to hold onto a lightning bolt. I think much of the intensity and friction is created by trying to be in a place of power that I simply am not. To give, when really I'm in a place of need.

Why is it so hard to give myself permission to need?

I am really terrible at needing.

Sometimes, it feels like a near epic task to ask for help. It's not that I think I won't get it, or even that I believe others wouldn't be more than happy to offer it. It is more a dark and twisty story of un-deserving. Self worth is so intertwined with receiving. How can I need something more when I already have so much?

Energy is as much about receiving as it is is about giving. It is a virtuous circle that flows in both directions. In my head, I know this. In my heart, much harder to parse. So I can ask the universe (I do), I can ask of myself (I do, a lot), and I can ask of actual people in my life (a rare occasion preceded by a great deal of doubt and self flagellation).

Trying to be or do things without being honest about what I truly need, is how most of my failures are born.

These are not failures of anything tangible. It's more in the environs of context and subtext where everything becomes tainted and the joy is surripticiously sucked from the moments, molecule by molecule. Nature abhors a vacuum. To give without receiving brings on drama and catastrophe in an effort to right the equation. I've seen this in my own life more often than I care to admit.

And so I need to become better at asking, because I can't run away to some mythical Red Tent every time I need nurturing and extra care and space. To sustainably inhabit my own life means learning to be okay with needing, receiving, and sometimes not being able to give. Even writing that makes me sort of cringe.

In the truth of all truths, asking for what I need is giving. It is giving to myself. So I can give of myself, completing the sacred circle, an act of generosity so taboo and close to the bone that it often gets re-named as the worst of all evils... selfish.  And how f*cked up is that?

Still, that possibility of seeming selfish has brought me to my knees, time and time again.

I'm working to change that story, because I don't believe it to be actual truth. I also believe we all deserve whatever it is we need to truly be well and happy, which often means giving our needs a voice. We are the only ones inside our own head, afterall. Yes, I've been guilty of willing my needs telepathically and ending up hurt or upset if others can't magically intuit what it is I want. Not the smartest modus operandi. So being responsible for my energy clearly means communicating needs, something I can certainly be practicing with more compassion and love.

To need doesn't mean I am failing.

To need doesn't mean I am a bad person.

To need does not mean I am selfish.

Receiving is the way in which giving is alchemized. A much better story, don't you think?


Nov 24, 2015

Inner Alchemy Circle Air Coven :: Archetypes

For this next round of Air, we will be creating Archetypes 
beginning on the first New Moon of the New Year!

* brand new cards and Guides *

* daily videos and card notes *

* creating your sacred Air Alter *

 *new ways to use your cards and customize this work for what you most need *

>>> These cards are magic... part works of art and part sacred love story <<<

To see a glimpse of gorgeous Alchemy Cards created in previous circles, look here, or find them on Instagram under the hashtag #alchemycards.

As always, our circle will be guided by fierce magic-makers!

Inner Alchemy Circle :: Air Coven
an online gathering
January 9-22, 2015

This circle is for YOU if you're longing for... 

>---> new wild ways into getting messy in creative inspiration adding a rich dose of core creativity to each day.

>---> developing a simple yet powerful creative practice that is rooted in playful possibility and wild and messy inner exploration.

>---> fierce guides to support you in wise conversations with your own truth allowing you to dig deeper into the magic you already posses.

>---> connections with kindred community in an encouraging and inspiring sacred circle.

These tools will be our way into our wild Inner Alchemy:

* Creating your own Air Alchemy Deck (28 cards) with daily videos and easy how-to's. 

12 gorgeous Guides, offering up their own brand of alchemical badassery! 

* Alter making and sacred space clearing in the element of Air.

* Fun ways to utilize your cards and integrate them into your creative work and life. 

* Custom Made Alchemy Kit exclusively available to workshop participants for an added infusion of Air.

Air Alchemy Kits include:
celestite gemstone, Warriors Brew tea, painted feather, sandalwood incense cone, 
handmade Air Alchemy Card

For sale in my Etsy shop before the start of class

* Private site and Facebook page for gathering and group discussion, where you can safely dive into meaningful work at your own pace, make new connections, share the cards you make, and receive all the beautiful energy of our Inner Alchemy Circle Coven. 

Trust Your Inner Alchemy

Air Coven {$69}
Begins on the January New Moon

Nov 17, 2015

FREE offering >>> December Daily Dose of Alchemy

Join me this December for a month of inner reveling and a joyful way to muse on the season!

This free offering is my gift to you, a tiny present to unwrap daily to help keep you connected to what is truly meaningful and present as we head into a brand new year.

If you're like me, the focus on so much buying followed by the inevitable avalanche of things can be a wee bit overwhelming at times. I find myself looking for space inside my house to stash the mountain of gifts we are about to give and also wondering where I might fit everything we are about to receive. It is abundance on overdrive, and while I am incredibly grateful for being able to both share and gain such prosperity and love, it makes me really think about how I operate within this impending giving season. I hope to create an abundance of positive and sustainable energy as well!

In wild, happy-dancing gratitude, I offer you 31 days of free inner guidance through the magical truth-telling of my Alchemy Cards, a creative practice and connective ritual through the elements that has been such a gorgeous and grounding presence in my life!

You will receive: one daily Inner Alchemy Card pull along with a mini reading 
from December 1st through December 31st, 2015

It's that simple.

Collect these little bits of wisdom and use them to inspire you in the days ahead. Experience the magic of the cards along with the deeper knowing they bring forth in your own life and work. Use them as a prompt, a guiding practice, or as a small magical tool in your toolbox to connect with when you are in need a of daily reminder of your own magic and light.

Enjoy all that you will discover!

Sign up with your email, below, and your December Daily Dose of Alchemy will be delivered to your inbox! Thank you for connecting with me in this small act of gratitude and love.

Subscribe to December Daily Dose of Alchemy

* indicates required field

** by subscribing to this list you will also receive the 
monthly magic of my Wish Alchemy newsletter


Nov 12, 2015

brighter than the sun

These days, I look at my oldest son and see a shiny new mini-adult with an ancient and wise soul, who is also one of the most resilient human beings I have ever met. I do not say this lightly, or even as a proud parent. I take no credit at all for the extraordinary light of his being. In fact, I almost want to say that he has triumphed in ways in spite of my mothering imperfections. Some people are given a life of challenge, and in those challenges they will take on a life of suffering. The kind of suffering that may not be overt, but is more like an invisible net cast over dreams and feelings and truths that keep the heart contained and life small. Not him. This is his gift and superpower, a way of projecting some kind of potent force field protecting him against all the negativity that's both a permeable membrane for love yet resistant to toxins. In the face of all that is challenging for him on a day to day basis, he is thriving. I mean, like crazy. And I don't mean the external things, like having a girlfriend or getting good grades (though, wonderfully for him, he has both), I mean in a much broader sense.

As a mother, I'm sure you can imagine what a relief it is to see your child becoming whole in the womb of the world. I think my biggest fear when they were little was that I would not be able to protect them from the suffering, and that the big and small ways in which we all suffer might somehow leave them broken in core and irreparable ways. I have no illusion of perfection with either of my kids, but I do see now, more than ever as they get older, a certain strength of character that they both possess.

My oldest is who he is, unapologetically. Not with insecure bravado or uncertain recklessness, but with an absolute sense of contentedness in where he fits in within the larger structure. He is compassionate and passionate and empathetic and just really steady, in a way that I deeply admire. For someone who is not always outwardly in control of his own momentum, he is incredibly grounded in his sense of self, which I imagine will serve him when the hormones and weight of the world are really full on. He's only twelve, and a young tween at that, but I can see glimpses of the grown man he will become... and it's not about the path or any measure of success that I have ever been worried about, it's faith in my child's ability to eventually find real happiness, self worth and love.

Though I know I will still worry about him in every way possible, where it truly matters most he is already the human I had always hoped for him to be. This is the revelation I've been having all autumn long.

I see him.

I'm not sure I always have, beneath the struggle and the crashing momentum and the warrior parenting and my own agenda as a mom, but I do now. He is rising. In seventh grade I can remember feeling like water, practically invisible to myself and wanting to conform to whatever container I was poured into. I wanted desperately to fit in.

He just continues to shine in his own way.

And I see him.

Oct 28, 2015

conversations about others

Sometimes it's easy and light.

"So I saw this guy at the post office today, and I think we shared a moment."

Sometimes it's more complicated.

"So are you officially dating, and what are your feelings for her and hers for you?"

Most often it is somewhere in-between.

"How much do you really want me to share with you?"

The ease of our openness is part a of our regular discourse nowadays. In the beginning, we would have these big summits, heavy, emotional discussions about all the feelings, all the desires, and all the actions. There was no wading in, we had to deeply process all feelz upfront and unpack every detail that might have an impact on the stability of our relationship. It all felt so big and thrilling yet threatening at the same time.

Now, not as much. The conversations are still necessary and still fun to bat around, but the magnitude of what's at stake has settled and mellowed. Our ideals of freedom are more important than any actual action or engagement, and within that we've found a very satisfying contentedness in the space allowed for one another's desire.

These conversations always make me feel so crazy grateful - that Alex and I can speak of desire and have it not be this crazy, relationship threatening, fear inducing, jealousy fest....

The rest of this post can be found, here.

Oct 21, 2015

i see

When I was a teenager, my friends used to come by the house to chat with my mom about life and love and relationship woes. She had a trifecta of superpowers at her disposal, maternal instinct, clinical skills, and social nuance that drew people in to the alter of our kitchen stove. It was a place to see and be seen, share stories that made you laugh or cry or sometimes both at the same time. There were cigarettes and real talk, and my mom would always give it to you straight. At least that's how I remember it. That is how it is even now, minus the Virginia Slims and hum of the stovetop air vent.

Though if you asked her directly, she might disagree, I see my mom as a healer. A healer of broken hearts, broken families, broken spirits. She has the gift of seeing you clearly, and that is what has alway served her kind of magic out in the world, though her approach is much more pragmatic. I know this more by hearing it from others than by witnessing it myself as I see her mostly as Mom, though for a short period in my twenties I got to work with her in a clinical setting and saw her in action. As much as she helped the kids and families she worked with, she was also a grounding force of comfort and wisdom within the greater system. The counselors of the house looked to her the same way my friends always had, though this time is wasn't the kitchen stove we huddled around, it was inside the small back porch. She simply has a way about her that draws people in to ask for advice and direction.  

This morning I was thinking about this, and my mom, and these through lines in my own healing work - we are so different, yet so similar. My kids are more likely to call me an artist or occasionally an alchemist (which I love), but I'm a sort of healer too. I may not have a clinical degree like my mom, or any piece of paper that speaks to certain skills of this or that, but people come to me looking for advice and direction just the same. Maybe being a healer is more an instinct and way of being than a certain set of skills. It's a calling to use truth and empowerment to help others see and change their lives for the better.

Whether it's delivered on the couch, in the kitchen, or around a sacred fire of cigarette or sage, the message is equally as important and powerful. I'm grateful for this legacy of healing and the ways my mom taught me to see and hold space others.

Oct 13, 2015

year sixteen

It was a good and steady year, for the most part.

And by steady I mean there were no irreconcilable differences, no major relationship drama, nothing insurmountable that came across our path, thankfully. It was a year marked by a lot of slow sinking in after all the fast and furious of the last several trips around the sun. A certain sturdy comfort, playfulness and ease has washed in.

We've arrived in this place that is markedly our own and are enjoying the happiness of just being together, connected and on the same page more so than not. It feels like bliss in those moments we can steal away and really process how far we have come. We see it in each other. We see it in the landscape of our life, as parents, in our work, and in the conversations we are having with others. We see it in the future that we both feel so lucky to have in front of us.

Our openness has shifted a bit this year. It became more nuanced, more fundamental within the simple truth of our deepest values of freedom. Freedom to be who we are. Freedom to feel what we feel, and want what we want. Freedom to allow the other to seek joy. This is what deeply connects us, ultimately - sharing in each others happiness, and not needing to be responsible for it.

Open marriage means being in the questions together and honoring every experience, every relationship, every ounce of happiness and pleasure that might be found. It's the conversations that are bare and honest, allowing for a closeness and intimacy we never had before. Sex is such small part of this equation outside our marriage. Practically nonexistent. That's not where the openness matters. The necessity is in the truth and the trust. It begins and ends there.

Things are far from perfect. We fight sometimes, passion in equal and opposite measure of shadow and light, but it's rare that we fundamentally disagree, more a clash of circumstance or energy. And we talk about the hard stuff. Even if it takes a few months to get there, we are committed to communicating about everything. It means nothing gets swept under the rug to fester for too long which makes our relationship really strong, even when one of us is feeling weak. We can be distant and not even like each other in the moment, but we know we will always find our way back which is a critical part of the freedom too, to allow each other such raw vulnerability.

To be imperfect in such profound ways and know that you are still deeply loved.

Perhaps that is everything.

It's all we truly need.

This is where we are at the end of year sixteen. It's a beautiful place to be.

Oct 6, 2015

sexy soul work

On my way to teaching my workshop this weekend, I was very aware of a certain threshold I felt I was about to step over. It seemed like a gateway moment and leaping over some imaginary line of my own teaching, exploring authentic sexuality in the language of paper and paste I've only used for more "vanilla" pursuits. It was a new kind of bravery and reaching outside my comfort zone, yet it was also so natural, familiar, and felt like the logical next step. 

It was integration, validation, and a sort of celebration (at least inside of my happy heart!).

Although the underlying subtext of this particular class may have been different than my usual workshops, the landscape looked and felt very much the same: beautiful humans taking the time and space to dig deep and learn more about their desires - to understand and be understood. The universality of this work never ceases to amaze... the bravery... the yearning... the honesty and soul-searching nature of seeking Truth. 

It is always is alchemy for gold.

The conversation was about history, narrative, experience, mythology, communication and connection. Even in sexuality there are always common threads.

In big and small ways, we simply spent the day rising up.

The lesson inside it all?

Whatever light you're seeking is already burning inside you, and talking about it, creating around it, and gathering inside of it brings us that much closer to it, something I already knew but just had to experience from this different perspective.

Magic is magic.

Truth is truth.

The soul-work is the same inside every circle.

Beautiful, indeed.

How lucky I am to witness it all.

Sep 30, 2015

you are my sunshine

my only sunshine

you make me happy, when skies are gray

you never know dear

how much I love you

please don't take, may sunshine away

Sep 24, 2015

being *out* is not all or nothing

Rather, it's a journey of a million steps, as I am learning. I sing this tune a lot.

For me, being out is about so many different things.... it's naming it and claiming it, it's being willing to share the narrative, it's embracing non-fear/shame based living. But it's also about being mindful and strategic and safe, especially as a mom of two young boys.

I think I struggle most with dealing with the discomfort of others. Having some sense of control over where and what I share has been critical, and giving other people the option to not have to know the intimate details has sort of been my way thus far. But I'm not exactly sure what I'm truly modulating.

The most tender details of my journey have been met with, "you go, girl!" and "thank you", and "me too", so why does it sometimes feel so impossibly BIG to be in these conversations?

Holding space through my own vulnerability is tricky.

I'm ready to have all the conversations, and I am having these conversations in some circles. I'm writing and teaching and cheering on the sexual freedom in general. So does keeping some things contained help or hinder my freedom? This is what I'm currently mulling over.

The forward momentum of my life seems to dictate where I need to go, and so maybe I just need to honor that. So, here is my next step...

If you are local to the MA/NH area, I am proudly teaching my first sex-pos, kinky class with an awesome co-creatrix! If you're curious about the 's' side of D/s, you can join us for a day of exploration through classic archetypes and some sexy art making. It's going to be a delicious program, and I'm thrilled honored to be dipping my toe into this new teaching territory.

Message me for all the deets!

Or maybe I'll just trow the link up on my page.... who knows? It's all a work in progress.