Dec 2, 2016

buried under emotional weight

Our stories have so many layers. Three months ago I set out with fierce intention on a journey to wind into the epicenter of mine. It's been the most important rescue mission of my life, saving my abandoned inner child.

While I'm a true believer in gentle shifts and step-by-step change, some transformations take a giant energetic leap to shake everything loose so you can find the bits of shiny truth amidst the rubble. This was one of those times. So I got my butt back on the mat.

Yoga has been saving me in all the ways. Not only has it been a way for me to process all the pain that has been coming up, but it has become like a second home for me deep in a womb of safety and honoring. I'm kneading out trauma and connecting with my heart and my body in a way I haven't in decades, remembering what it feels like to feel anchored and joyful in my individual physical power.

To be present in the flesh is to feel all the feels - at least for me that is absolutely true - a lesson I began discovering when exploring my authentic sexuality years ago, that disconnect from the body is simply a defense mechanism. Shutting down embodied sensation and pleasure is a byproduct of wanting to shut down other unsavory emotions we are not ready to deal with. Mind, body, spirit, will always work to protect us. Yoga was the way I snuck back in, and has also serendipitously connected me with a couple of amazing and badass yogis who I'll be collaborating with next year in the juiciest of ways! Divine timing for sure. I am so so grateful.

For years I have been trying to get to this place... through writing, through painting, through dieting, through mindfulness, through gratitude, and while I am sure all these things have contributed to being strong enough and simply ready to do the work, it's the physical body that has been the magic key to unlock this door.

This has been a revelation and at that same time no real surprise. Our bodies are our homes, in every tangible and intangible sense of the word.

And so last night was a celebration, a wild twinkle light infusion of new energy and new possibility in this newly embodied place. They say that it takes three months to invoke change. I've been truly working my ass off for the last 15 weeks (so much "healthy" crying), and so much has been falling away and rising up through the ashes as I release the emotional weight. The not-so-amazing but utterly beautiful thing is now, on the mat, in the studio, at the pole, in my life, I just feel more and more like myself.

Brighter. Stronger. Happier.

This is the ultimate transformation.

And everyday I hope it becomes more true.

Nov 23, 2016

knee deep in shift... and what's to come!

Change is messy.

And beautiful.

As I navigate the transformation that is happening at the center of my universe, so much is being revealed. I am in the process of writing new feminine leadership classes, creating sensual art workshops and curating conversations and experiences for you and I to dive into with luscious abandon.... there is so much to offer now that I have fully arrived in this vision.

I am seeing with brand new clarity, and it feels like planning the most epic and evolutionary party, ever.

You are totally invited!

And it just so happens that in the group guided circle I lead, our November theme is about "shifting the narrative" around the core value of Story. It's all happening for me at a magnitude I never expected (isn't that always the way?). My Notebook is filled this month, overflowing with wild scribbles about primal communication, sexual sovereignty, expressive art, and sensual feminine movement of all modalities. Plans are in the works for this year's rise for V-Day. My worlds are colliding in the juiciest of ways, all piecing together an insanely gorgeous new landscape - one of pleasure and playfulness and power -- serious. badass. girl power.

It's always so interesting what ends up being the catalyst behind this kind of shift. I can't say specifically if it was the election results, an alignment of all the work I've been doing in creative and sexy worlds, or something else deeper within me that was simply ready to step in. Whatever it was or is, I am incredibly grateful for the clarity of purpose and fire it has lit in my belly.

Because this is not just about me. This is about all of us.

Being seen and heard as empowered women is what might be the game-changer in the next four years. I know exactly what I need to do, and we are going to have so much wild fun creating the lives, and world, we desire and deserve to live in!

Here we go.

Nov 17, 2016

Feast // a sensory adventure for healing

Five luscious days.

All of your senses engaged.

Dropping deep into the body, heart and spirit to surrender in wild gratitude and love.

Exquisite, radical, restorative self care.

Feeling our way into delicious prompts and evocative offering to find deep presence and decadent pleasure, delivered to you like a present to unwrap each day.

Nothing to do. No assignments to complete. No discussion to show up to.

Just receive.

Give yourself this gift. Immerse and indulge in all the yummy. 


December 13-17, 2016 
through the Full Cold Moon, let's warm and cozy things up!

50% of all proceeds will go to Planned Parenthood
to spread the love and abundance

Let's feast with abandon.

Studiofemme // Feast (online)
{$29} this circle is full - thank you!

Nov 15, 2016

creating safe spaces. a body story.

When I was in sixth grade, I remember sneaking a pair of my mom's high heels into my book bag so I could wear them in school. They were black patent, strappy, what I thought of as the embodiment of sexy, and I remember putting them on at the bus stop and feeling totally badass. That was the age boys and girls started leaning into their sexual experimentation, pairing off behind the stacks to sneak a kiss or a feel. I probably looked ridiculous, an eleven year old girl teetering around in adultish shoes, but I really just wanted to be in the club and feel the power of my own sensuality. 

It tasted to me like freedom and belonging. 

In all the years since then, through all the layers of cultural conditioning, all the Seventeen magazines and craze diets, through all the external messages of Yes and No and Good and Bad, and through my own sexual triumphs and traumas it has taken me more than thirty years to come back to the place when I was eleven, just wanting to be seen in my full feminine expression. After shedding so many narratives that are not my own, I am finally finding my way. Now I have my own badass shoes.

As we talk about creating Safe Spaces in today's wild environment, I think this is a critical reminder to pass along: the most important safe space we can create is inside our own bodies. 

We can not feel safe out in the world if we can't feel safe inside our own skin.

So many of you, I know, are struggling to maintain a peaceful equilibrium these days. The emotional body is wreaking havoc on our physical bodies - there is such a deep connection! I'm right there with you. Ground zero then becomes tending to ourselves, and for many, radical self care is revolutionary. Letting go of guilt, not asking permission, nothing to explain, are things that take practice and fierce devotion. Once we learn this power inside our own lives, we are then able to bring it to the world around us.

It's when we can find space and freedom from the weight of the external world to see what is real and true inside of us, our body then becomes not just a vessel for happiness and pleasure, but a doorway to everything else we seek. 

When the time comes to join the resistance, you will know - you will literally feel it in your bones. Until then, go gently. Right now, there is only meeting yourself exactly where you are. Take extra deep care. Each one of us will rise in our own way, even if today that simply means getting ourselves out of bed to look in the mirror and say, "hello, beautiful. you are loved."

Nov 10, 2016

we are not broken

These changes have been brewing long before the election, in the deepest parts of my soul where the layers have been pulled back to let in more light. I just didn't know exactly where things would land.

But here is my truth.

This is who I am, right now.

A girl who feels things deeply and now knows that this is a strength, not a deficit.

A woman who can embody empowered feminine principals to grow strong, heal, and make a difference in the world. (and so can YOU!)

It's been a long road to here, and I am still on the path... legacy to bypass, beliefs to re-wire, trauma to heal.

Yesterday my day started with a cry, and not the easy trickle of tears, but the big ugly cry. It was 4am, just after my husband left and before my children awoke. I was processing this first stage of grief as I know so many of us were, so I could show up for my kids, which in hindsight was incredibly hard. Motherhood often feels like going into battle with no armor.

The line between putting up a brave face and being honest about real, justifiable feelings is scarily narrow, and our kids needed us yesterday in a very pivotal way. I wish I could say I aced this challenge. I did my best. If nothing else, I am always honest with them about my shortcomings as a human being and a parent. It allows them to be imperfect too, and a certain healing in the moments happens inside this kind of vulnerability together. We are figuring it out as we go.

Things have been shifting from wild outrage/warrior feminist, to fear and sadness and consoling myself with chips and wine. I'm allowing whatever comes up to be, because I know now I can inhabit it all and still be strong and powerful and whole.

We are not broken.

We are awake - and amidst the lucky ones.

As painful as it is, systems break down so that we can rebuild. This is the way forward out of the broken patriarchal, masculine paradigm of stiff-upper-lipping our way to measurable actions, goals and outcomes. This election is clear evidence of where that has gotten us thus far. It is time to employ empathy, compassion, intuition, communication and collaboration. We need social intelligence and the connectivity of emotion to climb out of this hole we've dug for ourselves both culturally and globally.

And this all resides in our fierce feminine mojo.

To be clear, this is not about men vs. women - it is about each of us, irregardless of gender, accessing and using all of our power, both yin and yang.

This is what wholeness looks like... infinite, soft, supple, and elastic enough to hold and to be it all. This is exactly what my life is teaching and echoing back to me at every single turn, in my adoption story, in my marriage and relationships, in my creative work. Along with the truth that we are more resilient than we ever might have imagined.

Know, I am with you.

I believe in you.

I am rooting for us all.